One big leap — Ranger Holly

What is there to share? What is the true thing that I have to say?

I left San Diego on Jan. 30 because my heart told me it was time to move on. It was time to feel what was next. I moved to Portland. Leaving San Diego was my final and biggest act of letting go in 2019.

I WISH San Diego had been the place for me. The home I dreamed of. It just wasn’t. After 13 years, I feel sure in this statement. When something is FOR me, I just know it. I know it in all of my being. No matter how I tried to transform myself inside of San Diego, there was always a mismatch. A longing inside me for somewhere else that matched me.

Over the past couple of years, there has been a growing unrest inside me. I criticized myself for it. I had an extremely comfortable life in San Diego. I had the perfect one-bedroom cottage in a hip neighborhood with parking and laundry inside my house. I lived two miles from work. And I had the best boss on any planet in any dimension or alternate universe. She is No. 1.

I had coworkers who make the world go ‘round. I had built loving and lasting friendships with people from many walks of life and of course at the end of every day I always had Buttercup.

I could go on listing all of the wonderful qualities of my old life – I was wearing shorts in January, folks. San Diego is paradise and there is no two ways about that.

However, it just wasn’t my paradise. I grew restless and bored. I wanted room to roam and nature at my fingertips.

I am a girl from the mountains. I am an Adirondack kid and I can’t ever shut up about that. I love talking about living in the woods and that our class trips were hiking and skiing expeditions. I love remembering all the funny things that we all did to get by in the mountains. Things that were commonplace to us, but are far outside the norm for city slickers.

I have been missing the mountains something fierce. I also realized that every time I visited Portland, I never wanted to go back home except to be with Buttercup.

Maybe I am telling this story all a little backwards but that’s quite alright. I don’t want to be caught in focusing on a narrative when the important matter is that the Universe has been sending me the signs of Portland for more than a decade.

I remember in 2004 my friend Sean describing Portland to me and it sounded like Utopia. I tucked that information in the back of my mind and set about my life. I never forgot his words and I can see in my mind the excitement on his face when he was describing the lush landscape of Oregon.

Then over the years people would say to me “you belong in Portland.” I started to relate to that as some distant dream because I had no idea how to extract myself from the comfort of San Diego. Why on earth would I do such a thing?

They (and by “they” I mean Oprah) say that a call from your soul starts out as a whisper then becomes a brick to your forehead the longer you ignore it. Well, on Dec. 27 the brick came and I could not say no. My dad asked me that if he and my mom gave me the first month of rent for Portland could I make the leap. There was no way to say no to that. The rent I would be paying would be to move in with my dear friend and constant adventure buddy Jenn.

So I said yes. And I was terrified to dismantle my life in one month. I got rid of 99 percent of my possessions. My mom flew out from Florida, we cleaned out my place, packed the car and drove 1,000 miles in two days. Buttercup was an angel and only had some meows from the backseat but other than that no complaints.

We arrived in Portland at about 2 p.m. on Jan. 31. Jenn welcomed me with hugs and laughter and a few days later it is starting to sink in what I have done.

A little Portland bathroom graffiti that I saw on Friday night. It reads: “Everything is working out best case scenario.” I know this is true. Photo by Ranger Holly.

It is no small thing to uproot yourself in obedience to a call in your heart. It is an intangible thing. I have no physical documentation to prove that I am supposed to do this. I have nothing but a zillion little clues that took me here. Inexplicable synchronicities that light my path ahead.

Here I am. In Portland. In some moments I am asking myself “WTF did I do?” In others, I have a smile cracked across my face because I know there is so much goodness to come this year. I also know that I am the dreamer of the dream and I create my life. I say how it goes and I declare that this is going to be remarkable. This is a chapter that will be full of love, adventure and overwhelming joy.

I am beyond grateful.

End note: I am sure there are more words to come on this subject. I am still settling into this new world. I miss my San Diego people so much. I am also so grateful for a soft place to land in Portland. I couldn’t have done this without Jenn.